


Broken Pieces

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians, The Janoskians
Genre: Comfort, Cutting, Depression, Help, Relapse, Sad, Self Esteem Issues, Self Harm, YouTube, jai cuts, self deprecation, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-17 17:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 20,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9335033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: What happens when Luke and jai argue and Luke discovers Jai's secret.Also on wattpad under the username alovelywriter24. They are both me my usernames are just different for both accounts.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What happens when Luke and jai argue and Luke discovers Jai's secret.  
> Also on wattpad under the username alovelywriter24. They are both me my usernames are just different for both accounts.

Hey just thought we need some more friendship fanfics on here instead of just the usual stuff. Enjoy!  
Disclaimer: I only own the idea

It had been a long day. That was certain. Luke being the irritable person he was, was quickly losing patience with his twin brother. Jai had been more energetic than usual today, and was only getting worse by the second. Finally, with his anger getting the best of him, Luke snaps.

"Jai will you just stop already! You're being so annoying, and I'm sick of it. Just- I don't know.....I hate being a twin." Luke ranted.

Jai froze on the spot.  
"Sorry, Luke", the younger twin mumbled looking down. Feeling guilty, Luke reaches out and grabs his brothers wrist to try to apologize. Jai, however, flinches back in pain.

"You okay there?" Luke questions.

"I'm okay...I just have a bad bruise there from the last video." Jai hurriedly responds.

"Let me see, Jai. It seemed like it really hurt."

"No that's okay. Not really a big deal." Jai starts tugging the sleeves of his jacket down harshly. At this point, Luke knew something was up. His twin was showing all of the tell-tell signs that he was hiding something. He wouldn't make eye contact and he was fidgeting under his brother's gaze.

"Jai-" he starts while holding his brother's sleeve tightly. He gets cut off by the sound of said jacket ripping when Jai pulls away. "Oh my-what? Jai, you need to tell me now. What is all of this?!" Jai's arm is completely demolished. There are faded scars on almost every inch of skin, but that wasn't even Luke's main concern. There were also several bright red cuts decorating the skin. They didn't even look a day old.

"Ummm. I don't know. I think I fell pretty hard the other day." Jai deflects.

"Cut the crap, Jai," Luke says harshly, "We both know what this is really from, and to tell the truth I don't know what to say."

"Don't even bother, Luke. You never wanted a twin anyway, so why even worry? We're not the same person, so why even care? I'm twisted and messed up, have been for a long time. My brain is essentially filled with broken pieces that can't be put back together. So, I guess I'll just save us both the time and energy and leave." By the end of his mini-speech Jai had tears running down his cheeks. The broken boy quickly left the room before his brother could say anything else he didn't want to hear.

Jai's Pov

No. No. No. No. No. Luke was never supposed to find out. No one was ever supposed to find out, especially like this. He was just staring at my arm like he was asking, "are you serious?"   
I guess I am serious. Why would I lie- oh wait I didn't want you to even know!  
I laugh to myself through my sobs at my own sarcasm.   
I couldn't take it anymore so I had ran to my room. Me and Luke had been at odds for awhile now, and sometimes I just couldn't take it. I already knew he didn't care, but sometimes the words he says to me get to me. They become trapped inside my head and won't leave no matter what I do .

I lie down on my bed and just focus on trying to breathe. I don't think I can feel with this right now. Maybe later, but now? Definitely not.

-  
I wake up to someone knocking on my door. Before I can even think about telling the person to just go away already, Luke opens the door and quietly walks over to sit on my bed.

"Hey" he says hesitantly. Really? I'm not going to break!

"Hi." I mumble back.

"So...we need to talk Jai."

"You told Beau didn't you?" As I ask the question, I can feel my anxiety levels skyrocketing. Luke gives me a strange look and shakes his head.

"Not yet. Maybe I won't at all, but you can't do that again", he gestures to my arm, "I know I can really hurt you sometimes, but I didn't think it was this bad. You can't keep doing this, Jai. If you do, then Beau finds out. Simple as that."

"No! You can't make me stop!" I shout.

"Jai..." he says inaudibly. My brother reaches out and wipes a tear I didn't know I had off of my face. Then, the unexpected happened. Luke hugged me. Luke and hug don't even belong in the same sentence. He hates all of the mushy affectionate stuff, and practically never lets me hug him. "I'll fix you, Jai. I know you think otherwise, but I do care. I might not show it, but I do care."

No!

That's what I want to scream, but instead I only let my twin brother hold me while I break down and cry into his shoulder.

So that was chapter one. Don't know when I'll update, but hopefully it will be soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Jai's POV

I woke up to a heavy weight on top of me. I peeled my eyes open to see the sleeping face of my twin brother, and that's when the memories came rushing back. Luke had yelled at me. Luke had found out about my secret. I don't know how to handle this. I'm so stupid. If I can't cut, then I essentially can't live at this point. I carefully lift Luke off of me without waking him, and make my way over to my bathroom. I close the door, and make my way to the sink. Glancing in the mirror I can't help, but to be disgusted at the sight before me. I have deep bags under my bloodshot eyes. These eyes show my weakness. The countless nights I spent wallowing in my misery. It's funny, really. People always get me and Luke confused, but Luke is so strong. He wouldn't have broken like I have. He would have come out on top no matter what. 

I let out a sigh and drop my eyes away from my reflection. I can only bare looking at my reflection for so long before I snap. I bend down and sit against the bathtub, tilting my head back. I lean forward and open the cabinet in front of me. On the inside there is a razor taped to the top. My guilty pleasure. I've spent so many countless nights in this same position, hacking away at my wrists and watching my own blood rise to the surface. It's kind of twisted if you think about it, but I can't live my life without it. I lower the blade to my wrist and take in a breathe as I press down on the delicate skin located there. I slide the blade across slowly and feel the sweet rush that lets me live. I'm about to make another, but the door suddenly opens.

"Jai?" Luke asks softly eyeing my bleeding wrist, "I thought we had a deal. You weren't supposed to do this again."

"What are you talking about Luke," I chuckle and plaster on a fake smile, "You know how clumsy I can be, I just tripped and scraped my arm on the counter."

"Cut the crap, Jai, we both know what that's from."

"Luke," I start, "You can't just expect me to stop. You have no idea how hard it can be to even try to stop."

"Ok if that's how it's going to be....BEAU GET UP HERE!" Luke starts yelling as loud as he can. I wanted to stop him, but I was too late.

"Luke you can not do this! Beau won't understand. He-" I start to say, but am cut off by Beau himself.

"I won't understand what?" He questions.

"Nothing!" I shout at the same time Luke shouts, "Jai cuts himself. Look at his wrist."

"Wait, what?" Beau was obviously confused. I make eye contact with Luke, but I'm too late. I realize what he's about to do right as he does it. Luke grabs my arm and pulls up my sleeve in one swift motion. I become paralyzed with fear while Beau's eyes start bulging out of his head at this new revelation. I watch in fear as I wait for his reaction, but he just stands there.

"Beau?" I whisper, "Come on you have to say something, anything."

"What do you want from me, Jai. Because I really don't know what to say. I just found out my baby brother is suicidal and now I don't know what to say!" What? Just because someone happens to cut themselves does NOT make them suicidal.

"I'm not suicidal, Beau, I do this so I can live. I do this so I don't reach that breaking point, and would you just stop looking at me like that! I know you're disgusted right now, but at least have the decency to hide it from me!" I'm furious by now. His eyes held such deep disgust I just couldn't take it. I rush past him, and out of the house. I couldn't do this right now. It sounded like he called out to me, but I ignored him. I only had one thought on my mind.

"My brothers hate me" "My brothers hate me" "My brothers hate me"

It didn't seem real. It was like I still couldn't believe that had really actually happened. Sure, I got into fights with Luke and Beau all of the time, but none of them had them intensity of that, whatever that was. I could just see the disappointment on both of their faces. One almost a mirror image of my own. I've always known that I was a giant failure, but this only multiplied that feeling even more.

I head into the woods behind our house. I start running and eventually come to a tiny clearing that only I know about. It has a lone tree surrounded by a tiny stream that sort of wraps around it. I like to come here on those occasions where cutting just isn't enough, or the house is too rambunctious for me to get away with it without getting caught. It's peaceful here. Tranquil. If any of the boys ever found me here I probably wouldn't ever here the end of it.

"I'm so stupid." I mutter to myself. I couldn't believe I had let Luke find out. 

"Don't say that, Jai!" I hear a voice exclaim sharply behind me. Speak of the devil. Luke was standing right in front of me. "Let's go home, Jai. Beau is about to have a heart attack. You can't just run off like that especially in that type of...situation"

"Do you honestly even care, Luke. Why not let me wallow in my misery? It's not hurting anyone,anyway."

"Just get up, Jai! We all need to have a talk." He snaps at me. 

We slowly make our way back to the house with Luke gripping my hand tightly like he's afraid I'm hoping to run off again. Idiot. I'm slightly stronger than him, I just don't show it. I could have ripped away from him at any time.

"Thank God you're both home!" Beau exclaims as we walk into the house, "Jai, I'm sorry. I overreacted, and I'm sorry. But, still, you can't keep doing this to yourself. When you're feeling like this talk to me. Talk to Luke. I don't know even talk to Daniel. We're here to help you, Jai."

"What if I don't want help?" I didn't even mean to say it out loud, but the words were dangling in the air now.

"Then I won't trust you," Beau recovers quickly, "Whether you like it or not, I'm still, you're big brother, and I will not let this continue. There's going to be some obvious changes, Jai, so you better get used to it." 

"Whatever!" I grumble and storm to my room with Luke chasing after me, but I stop short when I see my door. Actually, when I don't see my door because it's gone. What?

"Changes, Jai." Luke explains.

I can't cope with this. I turn around and punch his sarcastic face, which then turns into another fight between us. It's not long before Beau comes up and separates us, but I'm angry. I'm just so angry, I can't help but to spit out:

"I hate you both! Maybe I should become suicidal after all Beau maybe then you won't have to deal with all of this."

I regret my words as soon as they leave my mouth. With wide eyes I stare at my brothers who wear similar expressions.


	3. Chapter 3

I can't believe I just said that. I've never actually been exactly suicidal before, but I'm not going to say the thought has never crossed my mind. I've thought about it several times in the past.

Luke and Beau simply stand there, frozen. I force my eyes to look down. I can't deal with this right now. I said the words, though, so now I have to live with that.

"Jai, you don't really mean that do you?" Luke asks me. His eyes show someone who has just had their heart shattered, but it's too late now.

"I can't answer that, Luke. Don't make me answer that."

"Answer the question, Jai!" Beau snaps, "You told me you weren't suicidal so prove it."

"I-it's- I'm not...it's crossed my mind a few times in the past, but it's not like I'd ever try to do anything." I defend, but that was the only answer my brothers needed. I suddenly felt very caged in, so I take a step back. Luke sees this and reaches out towards me, but I slap his hand away. "Stay back. I'm not some animal. It's not like I'm going to snap at any given moment...I'm not crazy."

"You're not?" Beau questions, "You slit your wrists on a regular basis!" Three sets of eyes widen at this statement. Luke turns and punches Beau in the jaw for even making it, but that doesn't matter anymore. My brother thinks I'm crazy.

"Ok." I mumble and back further into my room. I didn't know what else to say. I already hate myself enough as it is, but now I find out my older brother hates me as well. I can't take knowing that. My wrists start to burn an oh-so familiar sensation that I recognize as needing to cut. I laugh a little to myself, and then start to harshly scratch at my wrists. I need to get some relief, but it seems like I just can't scratch hard enough. It gets the attention of both of my brothers pretty quickly.

"Stop it Jai, you're hurting yourself." Luke states in an attempt to make me stop. When I don't he places a hand on my arm gently to send me his message.  I give up on that and start to tug. On my hair with both hands while biting my lip. During, all of this they're trying to get me to stop. Finally, Beau had enough and forcefully brings my arms down to my side in an attempt to restrain me. 

"Beau..." I mumble. My facade had always been perfect. No one had ever guesses that Jai Brooks was depressed, and I never gave them a reason to. Now, because of carelessness that facade was gone. "I just want to die and get it over with."

I hadn't meant to say that last part out loud, and I think Luke and Beau realized that.

"Come on, Jai, lets go lie down for a little bit, ok?" Luke says in a soothing voice. I simply nod because I can't take much more of the look of horror on Beau's face. Luke places his hands on my shoulders and steers me over to my bed. I can't look him in the face, so I just let him do whatever he wants. Distantly, I can hear the front door slam but choose to ignore it.

Luke gets me to lie down on my head with him and we just lay there for the longest time not speaking. Finally, Luke breaks the silence.

"You know we love you, right? Because we do. I couldn't ask for a better twin."

"It's hard to tell sometimes, to be honest. I'm not looking for attention, Luke. I never even wanted you to find out. This is just how I choose to cope. Some people get drunk, some people go on runs, but I....do this." I lift my sleeve. He already knows, so I might as well be honest with him. Luke is my twin, he deserves that.

"You're arm looks absolutely wrecked, Jai." He breathes, "Why can't you just come to me instead of doing this?"

"I don't deserve that kind of special treatment. My feelings are my problem and nobody needs to take them on as their own. With this I'm happy. Do you really want to take this away from me?"

"Are you stupid? This isn't healthy. I will not let this continue, so you can just forget about that right now."

~

Luke was serious when he said I couldn't keep doing this. I'm being constantly watched by him and Beau. Speaking of which, Beau can't even look at me anymore. He just throws me a rubber band to snap on my wrist when he catches me scratching. I think he read somewhere it's supposed to feel the same as cutting, but it's nowhere near as satisfying.

Luke and I have been having more and more fights lately and they all revolve around me and my depressing attitude. I just don't get it. I let out a sigh as I snap the rubber band Beau threw me earliest on my wrist. The skin is already bruised and I'm just making it worse.

"Babysitter's here." Daniel calls walking into the room. Beau hasn't told him what's going on, but I think he's knows something is up. He wasn't home during the big blow out, but he has noticed how my brothers won't let me be alone. I guess they needed a break from me, though, because Daniel is supposed to be watching me tonight in their place. I'm kind of offended, but it's also a perfect opportunity.

Daniel falls asleep later on that night watching a movie. I take this opportunity to sneak in the kitchen. All of the knives have been hidden, but I'm smarter than I get credit for. I open the freezer door and reach in the bottom of the ice maker, smirking to myself when I find the knives buried under all of the ice.

I roll up my sleeve and make a couple quick slices, but a couple quick slices then turn into an arm full. I stop only when I see a gasp behind me. Turning around, I'm met face to face with Daniel.

"Oh, Jai..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly writing for myself but let me know if any of you actually like this.

Oh, Jai..." I'm startled when I hear the voice and immediately drop the knife onto the floor. Daniel is standing there staring at me with wide eyes. By this point my arm is covered in blood, but I don't move. 

"Daniel?" I say in a whisper. "Umm. This isn't what it looks like."  My excuse doesn't work though, because now Daniel knows. He knows!

"I'm confused, Jai. Anyways, are you okay?.... Oh my god, we need to stop the bleeding."

"What?" I look down and see blood dripping down my wrist. I let out a sigh and walk over to the sink. I begin to slowly wash my arm of the blood. I sneak a glance at Daniel to see him tapping furiously at his phone. Just great! I'm 99% sure he's texting either Beau or Luke to let them know about what I just did. Some great friend he is! 

To tell the truth I don't really even have friends. Daniel is Beau's best friend, and James was Luke's friend. I was always just there. I'm Luke's twin brother, so it's not like they could actually hate me. Well they could, but their friendship with Luke was too important for that. I'm nothing compared to Luke, and anyone can see that. We may have identical faces and all, but in reality we're on two whole different levels. That's probably why we fight so much, too. If I was Luke, it would probably pain me to live with a failure that had the same face as me.

I finish with my arm, and walk up to my room. I like to keep fresh gauze on hand for moments like this. 

I dont understand why I had to let this happen. I was doing so good. My mask was flawless, and nobody would have ever realized how broken I truly was. But, I slipped. I failed at the most important thing. It was the one thing I absolutely needed to get right.

And I failed.

I let the cracks show, and now I'm paying for it. I can't cut, and that's all I want to do. Beau won't even look at me now, and I really don't blame him. Luke tries, but he shouldn't have to. No one should.

I broken from my thoughts when my door opens. Luke quietly slips into the room, and walks over to my bed to lie next to me.

"Daniel told us." He whispers.

"I know"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Jai!"

"Luke!"

"I'm serious."

"So am I." I look into his eyes, and see all of the pity, disappointment, and frustration swirl together. I realize this is hard for him, but I can't help it. I'm drowning right now, but that doesn't mean I want to take him with me.

"Ok." He slowly nods. "Let me talk then." That didn't seem like too bad of an idea. "My twin brother cuts himself and wants to die. I'm terrified that one day I'm going to come home and find him dead in his room, but he doesn't care about my feelings. He just wants to let his own pain disappear. It's gotten to the point that I should just give up on him already, but I know I can't. I can't because I love him, and I need him just as much as he needs me."

I'm in tears at this point, and I can't stop it. His words hit me really deep, but he's smart. That was the reason why he said them. I'm so screwed up, but he doesn't seem to realize that. I lift my hands up and bury my face in them. I heave a shuttering sob, and try to compose myself.

"Don't Luke. Not everything is black and white. Yea, I want to die. I want to die so badly that it's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. However, that doesn't mean I'm suicidal. I don't think I would ever act on it."

I lift my head up and look at my twin. He has tears streaming down his face as well. I caused them. I caused my twin brother misery. I don't even deserve to live, but death is too good for me as well.

"Come here, Luke. You need a hug?" He immediately launches himself into my arms at my offer without a moment of hesitation. He sobs loudly into my shoulder, and in that moment I realize what needs to be done.

I need to fake it.

I need to put my walls back up, and reinforce them do that they're stronger than ever. I can't cause my twin to suffer anymore, and if that hurts me even more then oh well.

\-------next morning-----------

"Why are you so happy?" Beau immediately questioned me when he walked into the kitchen to find me making pancakes with a large grin on my face.

'Just fake it, Jai.' I tell myself so he doesn't expect anything.

"Pancakes. It's a wonderful day for pancakes, Beau, and I plan to make the most of it!" I let my voice become chirpy just to sweeten the deal. He looks at me skeptically, but let's it drop with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Anyways, have you seen Luke? He wasn't in his room this morning." Beau asks. My smile drops momentarily but I recover quickly before he can notice it.

"Yea, he fell asleep in my room last night." I state and go back to making a big stack of pancakes. "You should probably wake him up the pancakes are almost ready."

Beau went to wake Luke up, which meant I was left alone with my miserable thoughts. 

I already have Beau believing in my act, Daniel shouldn't be too hard to convince, so that just leaves Luke. I hated the way I hurt him last night, so this act is for the best. People need Luke to be happy. They don't need me at all. 

Luke scrambles groggily to the table and waits for his pancakes. I bring him a plate of them, and then sit down opposite of him.

"I love you, Luke. I'm sorry I worried you lie that last night, I really didn't mean for it to get that bad last night." I hated to lie to Luke, but I had to right now.

"It's fine, Jai. I just want you to let me in. I need you to talk to me when you're upset. I don't want to lose you."

"I'm fine Luke, really, I am. The stress has just been getting to me lately. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but I just didn't want you to worry."

Luke takes my apology for what it is, and with that I'm off the hook. At least for now. I can sale easy feel myself starting to spiral again, but Luke is happily eating his pancakes do that's all that matters.

That night, I start to shred the skin on my thighs. I need it and no one can take it from me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please!

Jai's POV

I'm pretty sure my brothers are suspicious. I keep on getting worried glances every time I'm even remotely quiet in a video. Beau keeps making comments about me being happy. Luke has kept quiet for the most part, but I can tell he's about to blow up at me again. I'm just trying to make everyone happy, but apparently that's a bad thing.

I walk downstairs to get some water, but stop when I hear a heated conversation.

"I'm serious Beau, we can't let this continue. He needs help, whether he wants it or not." 

They we're talking about me.

"Have you ever stopped to think about his feelings? Maybe forcing him to stop has only made things worse." Well that's obvious!

"It's for his own good. Besides who's to say he's actually stopped."

"What do you mean, Luke?"

"Exactly what I said. Just because his wrists are clean doesn't mean he hasn't cut anywhere else. Jai's a lot smarter than he gets credit for."

"What should we do? Should we check other places." I take that as my cue to jump in.

"Wow not only are you talking about me behind my back, but now you're insinuating that I'm a liar. I can just feel the love in this room." I state trying to throw them off. I can tell it works with Beau because a look of guilt passes over his face. Luke, on the other hand, is not even the slightest bit convinced. 

"A little defensive aren't you, Jai? It must be true then, so where is it? Where have you been hurting yourself at?" Luke's gaze is nothing short of piercing, and I can't help but to clam up.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about." I defend badly.

"Oh really? Because I think I might have a pretty good idea." Luke chuckles darkly then walks over and slaps his hands down on my thighs. I yelp in response which proves his theory correct. "How could you? Do you really hate us that much?" I can't bring myself to answer so he just continues. "Well? Why do it? Your life is practically perfect, so is that just some little attempt of yours to get attention. You have no reason to be so sad, Jai..." he trails off with wide eyes after realizing what he had been saying.

"No." I whisper more to myself then to him. Beau is standing off to the side like he's conflicted on what to do. He should side with, Luke. Luke's the better twin. I slide down onto the floor without realizing it, and cradle my head in my hands. 

No. No. No. This can't be happening. I can't deal with this. It's getting harder to breathe, and I can't take this. Why did Luke have to find out? Why can't I breathe?

Luke's Pov (surprise POV change, yea!)

I trail off as soon as I see the look of horror on Jai's face. I just can't figure out what's wrong with him, and it hurts me knowing my twin is hurting himself. I look at him in worry when he suddenly lets himself fall to the floor. He starts cradling his head and rocking back and forth. I shoot a glance to Beau that meant "get out my twin needs me". I've used this look many times before, so he definitely understood. He hesitated for a moment but eventually left the room. Almost immediately, I notice that Jai's breathing is becoming harsh and labored until he reaches the point of hyperventilating.

"Jai." I try to get his attention. He simply looks up at me with tear-filled eyes. "Come on I need you to breathe for me Jai. In and out. Like this." I instruct gently and then demonstrate. This isn't Jai's first panic attack. He had them all of the time while we were kids, but he hasn't has one in a while now. He reaches out to me And I let him hug me tightly in an attempt to calm himself down. 

"Luke." He mumbles brokenly. I look into his eyes and start to wonder. What happened to my brother?

"Jai, please tell me what's wrong." I beg.

"Can't. Y-you'll hate me if you know."

"I'd never hate you Jai Jai."

"I don't know." He seemed close to telling me the truth, but something was holding him back.

"Just tell me Jaidon!" I yell in frustration. He flinches back and I immediately feel guilty.

"I'm not you." He states and those words leave me in pure confusion.

"What?"

"I'm not you. I'm more like your shadow then your twin. I'm not good enough and I never will be, Luke. You're the better twin and I'll never be even close enough to compare. People see me and automatically think, "Luke", because I'm just a mistake. I should have never been born. I'm just a screw up that needs to die, but death is way too good for me!"

Slaaaaaaap.

"No. You don't get to even think that way about yourself. None of it's true, anyway. You're special, Jai, and I wouldn't change anything about you. I love you the way you are, and I'm proud to be your brother." I couldn't believe the things he had said about himself. Those words were painful to even hear, and I also couldn't believe that he cut because of me. 

"I love you, too. I wish I could be better, but I can't. I'm also sorry I cut. I know it must be embarrassing for you that I'm this weak."

"Jai!" I harshly cut him off before he could say anything else. "You're not weak! If anything you're strong, but I still can't let you cut yourself. You might cut too deep one day, and I can't lose you."

"What if you were there while I was cutting?" He suggests.

"What?" He can't be serious.

"Well, you don't want me to cut, and I don't want to stop. It's a compromise. I can cut and you can make sure I'm safe." It was a stupid idea, but I knew I had to agree to it for his own safety.

"Ok. I don't like it, but ok."

\-----time skip-----

Jai's been quiet again. Way too quiet. I knew he was going to crack any moment now. We made a deal 3 days ago, and I've been dreading it since. On the bright side, he hadn't cut in 3 days so that was good. I chose not to let Beau in on this deal, because I knew he'd kill me for it. 

"Luke?" I hear after a knock sounds on my door.

"Come in." I yell already knowing Jai was on the other side. "Hey, what's up?" I greet my look-alike when he enters.

"I-I need it." He looked like he was on the verge of breaking. I didn't want to watch this, but I needed to for him.

"Did you bring it with you?" I ask and he nods producing a shiny silver blade from his pocket. I let him sit on my bed and watch closely as he rolls up his sleeve. His arm is absolutely wrecked, and I almost can't look at it but he needs me for this. I rest my head on his shoulder and watch as he brings the cold silver blade down to the skin. He glances at me, but doesn't say anything. Slowly, he drags the metal across his skin. Nothing really happens for the first couple of seconds, but then blood starts to bead up to the surface. I fought with my gag reflex, so I didn't scare him into thinking he had to hiss this again. "You done?" I ask in a quiet voice.

"No, not even close." He does it again and again until finally he stops and falls onto my bed covering his face. I grab a shirt and wrap it around his bleeding wrist. "You have no idea how much this means to me, Luke."

"I have an idea." I reply and he looks up at me questioningly, "I'll always be here when you need to do it, but I still need you to at least try to stop."

"I'm broken, Luke, I don't know if I can."

"No you're not Jai. You're definitely not broken, just misplaced." I inform him and he laughs before a single tear rolls out of his eye.

"It feels like a piece of me died, and I'll never get it back. How is that misplaced?"

"Who knows? I don't. I only know that you're still my brother and no matter what anyone says, you're still going to be my favorite brother and best friend when the day's over."

"What about Beau?"

"Who's that?" I joke, "Beau's not my twin. He doesn't understand me like you do. It's Luke and Jai against the world and it always will be." 

He just smiles before deciding to nap on my bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, follow, kudos! I also have other janoskians Vic's so go check those out!

Beau was still completely in the dark about Luke and Jai's little deal. So for the next month, Jai would go to Luke when he was feeling particularly low. Luke would then guiltily watch him cut, and Beau never knew a thing.

That was until one day, Jai was sleeping on the couch with Hamlet. Beau walked in and saw the pair sound asleep. The Aussie boy smiled at this before getting a sad look on his face. His baby brother was broken. Jai was broken, and he couldn't fix him.

Beau let out a sigh of frustration before an idea crossed through his mind.

"What if I check his arms now? He's asleep, so it shouldn't be a problem." Beau said to himself. He snuck over to the couch and slowly reached out to slightly touch Jai's arm.

He didn't budge.

Deciding that it was safe to continue, Beau slowly lifted Jai's sleeve up to see what damage his brother had inflicted upon himself. He realized that it was bad, but nothing could have prepared him for the utter destruction left on Jai's arm.

"Oh My god...." Beau whisper- screamed in an attempt to not wake up his brother. It looked like Jai was still self-harming, and by the looks of it, worse than before. 

"What are you doing, Beau?" At first Beau thought the question came from Jai, but then realized it in fact came from Luke who was standing in the doorway watching him nervously.

"What am I doing? I thought you said you took care of this? His ARM is going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life, Luke. Did you know he was still hurting himself." Beau questioned angrily. 

"Beau, calm down you're going to wake Jai up." Luke evaded the question.

"Oh my god. You did know." Beau stated in disbelief. "You knew and you didn't do anything. Who does that? You could have at least told me, so I didn't have to worry about finding my baby brother dead in his room one day."

"It's not like that!" Luke defended. "We had a deal."

"What kind of deal?" Beau was genuinely confused.

"He was supposed to come to me when he wanted to cut, and I would watch and make sure he didn't go too far. He also promised to try to stop as soon as possible." Luke explained. For a minute, Beau remained silent as he took in this newfound information.

"Are you stupid?! He was using you! He knew that you wouldn't actually force him to stop if he came to you first, Luke! I expected you of all people to not do something as stupid as that. You're not helping him, all you're doing is enabling him!" Beau ranted, furious with his brother.

"Don't yell at him." A new voice spoke up, causing two heads to turn. It was none other then Jai himself. Jai had tears streaming down his face and his eyes had a new look to them. He looked completely and utterly broken, and it killed his brothers to see him like that. He sat up and made eye contact with Beau. "It's not his fault, so don't yell at him. If you yell at anyone, yell at me. I was the one that tricked him."

Beau was angry at Luke for making a deal like that with Jai, but he knew there was nothing he could do now. He took his attention away from Jai to see Luke crying as well. Great! Now he had two crying twins to deal with. 

"Luke sit down," Beau ordered, "We need to sort this out right now because this can't go on any longer. Jai, not only did you manipulate your twin, but you're also doing something extremely dangerous. Luke cares about you, and you used that in the worst way possible. So, none of us are leaving this room until it's resolved."

"No. This doesn't need to be resolved." Jai countered. "There's nothing wrong."

"Oh yea, says the one who slices into his skin on a regular basis and was even selfish enough to make his twin brother watch."

"Oh so you not only think I'm crazy, but I'm selfish now too?"

"What else would you call it?"

"Maybe the fact that no one can leave me alone and mind their own business. Yea, I slice my wrists open, but last time I checked they're my wrists. Not yours. Not Luke's. Mine."

The entire time, Luke had watched the exchange nervously. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

"Jai cuts because of me."

Beau froze in disbelief.

"What?"

"Jai cuts because of me." Luke repeated.

"Luke, No." Jai started, but couldn't finish. Beau couldn't believe his ears and was lost for words.

"Is this true, Jai?"

"I-uh-I,-" Jai stuttered.

"Answer the question."

"Yes." Jai spoke in a small voice. Beau was completely and utterly lost now. What did Luke have to do with Jai cutting? He looked over to the older twin. He had guilt-ridden eyes that seemed to become worse every second.

"Jai..." Beau started.

"What?!" Jai snapped. "I'm sorry, ok? I know I'm pathetic and stupid. I know I should get over myself, but I can't! I hate myself for being this jealous, but I can't help it. Luke's the better twin and I can't even compare. How would you feel if you had to live like that?"

Jai left the room a sobbing mess, but Beau and Luke were rooted to their spots. Beau had suddenly felt extremely guilty for the way he treated his brothers, and Luke didn't know what to do or how to feel.

Jai's POV (Finally back!)

What did I just do? I can't believe I blew up like that! I spent so long hiding, and now my facade was shattered just like that.

I let out a shaky breathe and rush to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I brace myself on the counter and let my thoughts consume me.

Beau was right. I used Luke as a way to keep cutting and felt no regret. I manipulated and hurt my twin brother. He was the innocent one. He was just trying to help me, and I ruined his innocence.

The tears were now streaming down my face. I was a monster. Nothing but a jealous monster. I didn't deserve to live right now. I don't know what to do with my self anymore. Beau is going to hate me. I'm surprised Luke doesn't already hate me. I would hate me if I was him.

Through my thoughts I hear someone come to the door and start pounding on it. I slide down to the floor as the person starts yelling at me to open the door. I'm frozen. I can't move. Should I kill myself?

"Should I kill myself?" I accidentally whispered out loud. That's been happening a lot lately. 

"JAI!" A voice screamed in fear. Hmm. Luke? Maybe. I guess he heard me, but I can't move from my spot to open the door. "I'm serious Jai, I'm going to break down this door if you don't open it in the next 10 seconds."

I still couldn't move. The only way I could see myself moving is if I were to cut again, but I don't think that's going to happen this time. I know I'll purposely go too far if I cut now. I knocked out if my thoughts when the door is forcefully kicked open. My twin is terror-stricken and panicked, but I still can't move.

"You-You didn't do anything did you?" He asks.

"No." I manage to force out. He comes closer and starts to reach out to me, but I just flinch back and curl in on myself. I can't do this. Luke's expression looked hurt, but I can't do it. I need space or I'm going to suffocate. "Get back."

"Jai, I need you to calm down, ok? Can you do that for me?"

I shakily nod my head and try. I really try but I still can't. Luke then gets down on my level and holds his arms out.

"It's ok to not be ok. Everyone needs help sometimes, you just have to let someone help you." He whispered. I couldn't take it anymore and buried my face into his chest.

"Thank you."


	7. Chapter 7

WARNING: suicide attempt this chapter!

It's been a week since Beau found out about the twins' deal, and Jai had practically been comatose that entire week. He just felt like an awful person in general for what he put Luke through. Luke had also been bothering him the whole week, constantly asking if he was okay, but he only felt numb. He felt so numb that he hadn't even cut once. The longest he had gone before this was a few days at the most. He just didn't feel like cutting or doing anything else at all. 

"Jai are you sure you okay?" Luke asked worriedly. Jai was barely speaking and it was starting to scare him a little. Jai simply nodded a yes to his question, unable to form actual words. "I'm really worried. You aren't talking to me..."

Jai knew he should of said something at that point, but he just couldn't. He could only lie on his bed and stare up at the ceiling. 

"I'm home and look who I brought!" Beau cheered from the doorway. Both twins were confused at this point. They weren't expecting anyone to visit, so what was Beau talking about?

"Beau, stop teasing them!" The stern voice of their mother came from down the hallway. Jai gulped, his mother would be so ashamed of him. Beau was probably trying to get her involved like usual. 

"Mum!" Luke cried running over to her and giving her a tight hug. Jai finally mustered up the strength to get out of bed and then slowly walk over to his mother as well.

"I missed you too, Luke." Gina cooed, but then frowned when she saw Jai. She could just tell that there was something wrong. He didn't hug her right away and he refused to make eye contact. "And what of you think you're doing not hugging your mother!" She playfully scolded Jai. It caused him to finally make eye contact with her before he slowly hugged her. Startled, she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before pulling away. His eyes had looked broken. They held so much pain it absolutely scared her.

"Hey mum..." Jai mumbled. 

"Anyways," Beau broke the tension in the room, "Luke, you'll be staying in Jai's room while mum is here. She'll be staying in your room since it's the cleanest."

After that Gina and Beau left the room to get her settled in Luke's room. Jai slowly made eye contact with Luke.

"What is this?" Jai questioned.

"What do you mean? I didn't know she was coming." Luke defended.

"You don't think Beau plans on tells her do you?"

"I hope not! I don't want this hurting her." Luke thoughtlessly said. He didn't realize it but his words had gotten to a Jai. He left the room to see Gina some more while Jai was left with his thoughts.

'What's the point?' He thought to himself, 'All I ever found is hurt the people I love? I wish I could just go, so my family didn't have to deal with my problems....'

\- 

A little while later, Beau was helping Gina make dinner for everyone while Daniel and Luke were arm wrestling at the table.

"So..." Gina started, "I noticed Jai seemed a little off. Is he doing okay? My baby boy isn't doing drugs or anything is he?

"No Mum! He just...um" Luke struggled with an excuse.

"He'll probably kill me for telling you this, but-" Beau started but was surprisingly interrupted by Daniel.

"Beau, no. Don't do it. He needs to tell her not you!"

"Tell me what?" Gina questioned suspiciously. "C'mon Beau you need to tell me."

"Jai's depressed!" Beau let out quickly.

"Beau! Not cool!" Luke yelled while Daniel shook his head.

"How do you know?" Gina whispered.

"Well, Lukey over here found out Jai cuts up his wrists on a regular basis. Then we had a fight and he accidentally told us he wanted to die."

Gina burst into tears on the spot. 

"What did I ever do wrong?!" She sobbed as Luke ran over to comfort her, shooting daggers at Beau the entire time. He hoped that Beau would just shut his mouth already, but of course Beau just couldn't do that.

"You did nothing wrong, Mum, Jai's just selfish and unappreciative for everything you ever did for us." He snapped and even Daniel's eyes widened at his harsh words. Gina was at a loss at what to say, but it was already too late. A cough sounded in the room, and the four turned and were surprised to see a teary- eyed Jai standing in the room.

"I..." Jai started but then covered his mouth and left the room. 

"You said be was suicidal, right?" Gina suddenly asked.

"He's not suicidal." Luke explained, "He says he wants to die, but he would never actually try to do anything because death is too good for him."

"Poor thing." Gina let out, "How long has he wanted to die? Why does he want to die in the first place?"

"I don't know how long, but basically he feels like he isn't good enough because of me. He feels like he's simply my shadow instead of my twin."

Beau started to say something but was cut off when he heard a large thump from the ceiling.

"WAS THAT JAI!" Beau screamed freaking out. Luke, however, was already up the stairs and in Jai's room.

"Oh my God." Jai was on the ground with blood flowing out of his wrists heavily. "Call 911, Now!" He ordered to Beau who had come up behind him. 

He couldn't lose his brother. He just couldn't...


	8. Chapter 8

Jai woke up to a white ceiling and the sound of various machines beeping. He recognized that he had woken up in a hospital room. He jut wanted to die, but he couldn't even kill himself right apparently. He let out a agony-filled sob before tears slowly started falling down his face. Why couldn't he have gotten it right?

"Jai?! What's wrong? Are you okay?" He was suddenly asked by a panicked Luke. Of course he was okay he was lying in a hospital bed. That's what he wanted to say to Luke, but he could only squeeze his eyes shut and force his tears away. He didn't want Luke to see him being this week. 

"Hey." He whispered in response to Luke. It wasn't exactly the answer Luke wanted, but he was happy to get at least something out of Jai.

"You promised me..." Luke suddenly whispered, not being able to take the silence anymore. "You said you would never try to kill yourself! How could you just lie to me like that?" 

"I-I..." Jai didn't know what to say. He had hurt Luke big time, but he just wanted to leave. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again.

"Answer me, Jai." Luke demanded. Jai knew he had to say something, but he didn't think he could take much more.

"I didn't plan it."

"You were the one holding the knife, Jai. They almost lost you. If I had found you a minute later then you would have died."

"You should of let me then." Jai says out loud. The words escaped his mouth before he could stop them. Luke took a step back like he had just been punched in the face. Jai bit his lip nervously. If Luke didn't hate him before, he surely would now.

"You don't mean that, Jai. Please! You can't really mean that." 

"Why not?" Jai was angry now. Luke had no right to tell him what he can or can't mean. 

"I just can't understand why you would want to die. Don't you love Me and Beau. Or even Mum and Daniel? Don't you care about any of us? We love you but you only care about yourself. Next time you decide to off yourself, why don't you do it in a place that no one can find you." Luke screamed before running out of the room with tears in his eyes.

Jai sighed. He was right. Luke hated him.

-  
About 20 minutes after Luke ran out, Beau and Gina entered his room. He was angry with Beau, but that was nothing compared to the guilt he felt when he made eye contact with his mother. He had made her cry. He had completely broken her heart, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He looked down and played with the gauze wrapped around his wrists.

"Stop messing with that!" Gina scolded, causing him to look up at her. She gave him a tight-lipped smile and reached out to hug him, but he turned away. Gina took a step back and frowned. "Since when do you deny me of my hugs?"

"Sorry." Jai murmured. "I just don't deserve a hug right now."

"Of course you do! I almost lost my baby so I am getting my hug whether you like it or not." She informed him. He had to smile at his mother's attitude, but a lone tear still manage to slip down his cheek. He didn't deserve any of this, but he reached out regardless and hugged his mother. 

"Jai..." Beau started, having seen the tear. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't of said anything. I just felt like she needed to know..." Jai's eyes became even sadder if that was possible. He looked down after letting go of his mother.

"Sorry, but can you both just leave? I can't deal with this right now. I just can't." Jai requested shakily. When they declined to leave, he could feel his pulse start to race. Then, it became increasingly harder to breathe. Doctors and Nurses flooded the room as he entered a full-blown panic attack. They forced the other two in the room to leave as they quickly sedated him before he could accidentally hurt himself. Before he fell unconscious, Jai saw the panicked face of his twin brother from the doorway staring staring at him with worry.

-

Jai's eyes slowly fluttered open as he regained consciousness. This time when he woke up he was completely alone. There was no one to take his mind away from his harmful thoughts.

He just felt so empty and alone. That feeling intensified as he realized he had finally pushed everyone he cared about away. His family wasn't there when he woke up and he had no friends, so now it was only him. He was finally alone and that scared him. He. Never thought he would ever attempt suicide, but now he knew better. He had attempted to kill himself and now he realized that the next time he was left alone, he would try it again. Luke had given him the perfect advice too. Do it somewhere where no one could possibly find him to save him. 

He still couldn't believe that Luke had said that. He only wanted to push Luke away. He didn't mean to make Luke wish he was dead. But he had sadly succeeded at both. 

He wanted out of the hospital as soon as possible but no one had told him anything yet. He stood up and unhooked all the wires connected to him. This caused a series of continuous beeps to sound through the room and almost as soon as he did it, people had burst into the room.

"I want to go home." He said to the first nurse he saw. "I'm 21 and I don't have to stay here against my will."

"We understand that, but we can't let you leave quite yet. You're still on your 72 hour suicide watch." She explained quickly. 

Suicide watch? He was on suicide watch and no one told him. He felt the numb feeling take over him again, as he let himself be led back to his bed.

Once the hospital personnel left the room, Luke walked in.

"So..." Luke broke the silence.

"So..." Jai said back.

"You had a panic attack." Luke stated, not knowing what else to say.

"Yea. Beau helped me realize what a selfish piece of crap I really am and seeing mum again just reminded me of everything." Jai honestly spoke.

"You don't really think that way about yourself do you?" Luke frowned.

"Let's face it Luke, I am. What kind of person uses their twin brother as an opportunity to cut more? What kind of person shatters their mother's heat like I did? What kind of person gets forced on suicide watch because they can't even kill the self right?" Jai was tired and he honestly didn't know why he was being this open with Luke. He had always been reserved and now he was being too honest.

"Jai..." Luke whispered before throwing himself at his twin for a much needed hug. "That wasn't really you. At least. To the real you. Those things happened because you needed help, but no one noticed how bad you really needed it."

"I don't need it." Jai argued.

"Yes you do. You need it more than anything, but this time I'll be there for you instead of blindly expecting everything to magically get better. We need to fix you, and that's exactly what I'll do!"


	9. Chapter 9

The day had finally come. Jai was now able to leave the hospital after days of being stuck in it. Gina had to go back to Australia the day before Jai was released but he promised to call her as soon as he could.

If he was being honest with himself, he would admit that he did not want to go home at all. Things had been tense between him and Beau and it was only slightly better with Luke. Daniel had visited him a lot, but he couldn't rely on Daniel to keep his brothers off his back.

-

"Jai?" Beau called after him when they finally made it inside their house. "We need to talk for a minute." Jai sighed. Since when was having a talk with Beau ever a good idea?

"What?" Jai questioned, going to sit on the couch beside Luke.

"Well we sort of just have to lay some ground rules according to your doctor." Beau quickly explained. Jai tensed up at the statement and Luke quickly reached down and squeezed Jai's hand in comfort.

"No leaving the house unless someone knows you're leaving-"

"What I'm 21 years old!" Jai protested.

"Yea well you're also a danger to yourself and this was suggested by your doctor." 

"I'm not a danger to myself."

"Jai...you can't be serious. I'm not dealing with this right now!" Beau sighed. "We sort of have to randomly check you for fresh cuts once a week from now on. Also, I know I already gave you your door back, but the lock is coming off." Beau finished weakly. Jai had tears running down his face as his anger got the best of him. He quickly got up and ran out of the room.

"Did you have to instigate him like that?!" Luke yelled angrily before storming out as well. He hurriedly ran up to Jai's room, not quite ready to let his twin be alone this soon.

Jai was sitting against the wall gazing into the mirror on the opposite wall with a look that could only be considered a look of self-hatred. His tears had surprisingly already stopped, but Luke was still worried.

"Are you okay?" Luke asked, slowly stepping into the room. Jai looked up at his voice and gave a jerky nod.

"M'fine. Just don't particularly enjoy having my freedom stripped away."

"We're only doing it for your own good, Jai. I know it almost killed me to see you like that, but it's worse for Beau. He blames himself for your suicide attempt."

"Why would he blame himself?" Jai questioned sharply.

"All of the harsh things he said about you. They kind of set you off and he thinks that maybe if he hadn't of said anything, you wouldn't of tried."

"I would of just tried eventually." Jai mumbled more to himself than to Luke.

"What do you mean?"

"I was spiraling downwards that morning. I had basically reached my lowest point, so it was really only a matter of time." Jai admitted. Luke did not like that at all. How had Jai gotten so bad without him even realizing it?

"Is that why you were so quiet?" Luke hesitated.

"Yea, but I wasn't quiet on purpose. I just couldn't function and now I have this." Jai explained holding up his bandaged arms. "Can I take off the gauze now?" 

"Umm, yea, you just have to be careful of the stitches." Luke answered. Jai nodded his head in response and slowly unraveled the gauze surrounding his sensitive flesh. Although they both realized that the wounds would heal with time, neither really thought about that at the sight of the vertical scars running along both of Jai's arms.

"I really messed up this time didn't I?" Jai asked rhetorically. Luke bit his lip. He knew the sight upset Jai, but he couldn't let his twin get back to that place.

"You didn't mess anything up, Jai." Luke suddenly got an idea, "Its been a while since we've just hung out, hasn't it?"

"Yea why?" Jai didn't understand what was going through Luke's head.

"Tomorrow is going to be our day. Just me and you, like old times. Okay? I almost lost you and I don't want to make that mistake again."

"Okay." Jai whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was sort of just a filler chapter. So Any ideas or requests on what they do? I sort of have some of it planned already, but if you want something extra comment!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke begins to realize how bad Jai has really gotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only part of their day, more to come in next chapter!

Jai woke up to something poking his face. He scrunched his eyes open only to see Luke poking his face repeatedly.

"What do you want?" Jai groaned. 

"It's time to wake up." Luke answered. "We have a big day ahead of us."

Jai sighed, but decided to listen to his twin. He quickly got dressed in some baggy jeans and a hoodie. He messed up his hair a little and ran a straightener through parts of it. He quickly left his room and met Luke in his room.

"You're wearing that?" Luke suddenly asked. What was wrong with what he was wearing?

"Yes?" Jai questioned carefully.

"It's like 90 degrees outside, Jai."

"So?"

"You need something cooler on." Luke chuckled.

"I like this...it hides things."

"Are you self- conscious?" Luke asked in disbelief. Jai simply nodded his head and stared at the ground. "Jai, you have nothing to be self- conscious about. You know how much you work out? I wish my body looked like yours sometimes."

"I just...I can't help it. I know I look fine, but at the same time I feel absolutely disgusting."

"Jai..." Luke was shocked. He never realized his twin brother felt like that.

"Sorry Luke!" Jai hurriedly apologized while tugging on his sleeves, " I shouldn't have told you that. I'm sorry..."

"Hey, you had every right to tell me that. I'm your twin and I want to help you. You need to be more open with me in order for that to happen. I know now that you obviously have self-esteem issues so we will have to work on that." 

"How are we supposed to do that? I basically have zero self esteem."

"Go look in the mirror and tell yourself you are sexy and an amazing person." Luke decided.

"You can't be serious." Jai dead-panned.

"Just do it. Who knows it could be fun."

Jai didn't want to, but he walked over to the mirror anyways. He took a deep breathe as he met the eyes of his reflection before having to look down again. 

"I can't, Luke, I can't do this. Can we just go already?" Jai questioned and started tugging on his sleeve again. 

"Sure. Let's go." Luke let out. He knew it was bad, but he never thought it was this bad. Jai couldn't even look at himself for more than a second.

-

The twins decided to go grab breakfast at a diner 5 minutes away from their house. It was a small business that not too many people knew about, so they didn't have to worried about getting mobbed by rabid fan girls.

"Hey boys what can I get for you two cuties, today?" The waitress asked. Jai blushed at the compliment, but Luke just smiled and gave her his order.

"I'll have the pancakes and bacon platter...With some OJ." Luke ordered. Jai was still flustered so he just mumbled out that he would have the same thing. When She finally left with their orders, Luke burst out laughing.

"What?" Jai sputtered out, his face turning an impossible shade of red.

"Nothing, you're just so shy and you get flustered over everything. It's funny." Luke explained.

"Yeah. Laugh it up." Jai glared at Luke, but still couldn't suppress his smile.

"What were you wanting to do today?" Luke suddenly asked.

"Wait...I thought you had the day planned out?" Jai trailed off in a questioning tone.

"Well, I just want this day to be about you." Luke blushed. Jai was starting to grow irritated. This wasn't Luke. Luke doesn't care about him. Luke probably even wished he would have died in that hospital. Jai started tugging at his sleeve again. Trying fruitlessly not to dig his nails into his arms where the stitches were. Right when his nails started to come into contact with the skin of his arm, Luke's hand shot out to grab his.

"I'm okay." Jai was quick to reassure Luke. "The stitches are just itching and bothering me." He looked unsure but accepted Jai's answer for what it was.

"Ok. Do you need to tell me anything, Jai?" Luke hesitantly asked.

"No. Not at all. Why?" Jai deflected. Luke honestly didn't know whether to believe Jai or not.

"You're acting strangely and you still haven't answered my question." 

"I'm acting strangely?" Jai was beyond angry, "I'm the one being weird? What about you, Luke? You haven't wanted anything to do with me for years, yet now, when I'm mentally exhausted and suicidal to the point of no return, you suddenly care. Am I so wrong to be hesitant? You don't really care about me. You're just doing this out of an obligation you feel you have just because you're two minutes older than me. I don't want your pity and I don't need your fake-love!" 

By the end of his rant, Jai had hot tears running down his face and Luke could only sit there gaping at his brother. How could he had let it get this bad? Jai suddenly clutched at his chest and ran out of the diner. Luke hurriedly threw some money on the table and followed him out.

"Jai?" Luke called out, not knowing where his twin brother had ran off to. He finally found Jai curled up in a ball, hyperventilating, by the side of the building. "Jai!" Luke gasped, running to his side, "You need to calm down, Jai, you're going to hurt yourself!"

"C-can't." Jai choked out. Luke didn't know what to do. Jai couldn't breathe and he was completely freaked out after having come so close to losing him once already.

"C'mon." Luke took Jai's head and brought it to his chest, resting it to where Jai would be able to hear his heartbeat and feel the rise and fall of his chest. "Feel that? That's how I need you to breathe. Think you can try doing that for me?"

"Y-Y-Yea." Jai focused and eventually was able to match his breathing to Luke's. "I'm sorry, Luke. I am such a screw-up!" 

"No you're not!" Luke yelled, "If anyone is a screw-up, it's me! I let you get this bad, and I never noticed a thing. You're my little brother, but I left you to suffer like this."

"Two minutes does not count!" Jai argued.

"Still I should of noticed something...Anyway in the diner, you mentioned that you were suicidal. Are you still feeling that way?"

"That feeling just doesn't go away on its own after one failed attempt, Luke."

"So does that mean you're going to try it again?!" Luke eyes widened in fear.

"I can't promise you I won't, but I can try not to if you try to understand me better. We haven't been close in years, but you act like we're the same people as we were then. We're not. You're different and I'm more different than you can even imagine."

"Then, let Me In. Let me get to know this new Jai you're talking about."

"I am letting you in."

"No, Jai, you're only pushing me away...just let me in."

"I'll try..."


	11. Chapter 11

Jai and Luke had gotten much closer since the diner incident, but Jai still became nervous around Beau. Luke had let Beau in on the fact that Jai was still feeling suicidal. Needless to say, Beau had not reacted well.

"Should we of just let you die on your bedroom floor, Jai? Or I know! Maybe I should go out to the store and buy you a bunch of knives so you can finally finish the job." Beau had screamed at Jai, after finding out. His words resulted in getting a harsh slap across the face from an angry Luke, but the damage had already been done. Jai stood there frozen, before finally running to his room and locking himself inside for a few hours.  
-  
"Luke!" Jai called waking his twin up from his nap.

"Wha-?" Luke asked rolling over in his bed.

"Get up and get dressed. We're going out."

"What?" Luke woke up instantly. He looked up at his twin and was surprised at what he saw. Jai's hair was a curly mess. Jai never went out with his hair in that state. The second thing Luke noticed was that Jai's pupils were extremely large and his gaze was hazy and unfocused. It was obvious that Jai had taken something, he just didn't know what. "Jai please tell me you didn't do what I think you did!" 

"But I did Lukey. And you know I hate lying to you. I do that too, though. All the time. The things that go on...hehe....Lukey can't know about them. He'd be mad at me if he did. Well, madder than he already is." Jai said happily, in his drug induced gaze. Luke's eyes widened. Jai was obviously high, so maybe this could work to his advantage...

"Why would Lukey be mad at you?" Luke asked. He hated what he was doing, but it had to be done. He needed to know, but he had a feeling that Jai would never tell him while he was sober.

"I- I- I'm broken. And I can't be repaired, so I need to die to stop being a B- Burden to everyone." Jai cried out, tears running down his face. "Lukey doesn't know. No one knows the truth. I trusted the wrong person and they broke me."

"Who broke you, Jai?" Luke questioned.

"Mum's boyfriend. I- I was never a good boy. He was the only one that had the nerve to tell me. He told me how worthless and pathetic I was. How Lukey was better than me. No one actually loved me. He would beat me, so that maybe one day I would understand. He burnt me with cigarette butts and told me that I was the reason Dad left. I drove him away. He even thanked me for being such a disgrace, because that's how he was able to enter mum's life."

"Jai..." Luke didn't know what to say. He couldn't comprehend the fact that the man he looked up to as a father- figure treated his twin badly enough to break him.

"I didn't even care about the bruises." Jai laughed, "The way he compared me to Luke hurt much more. Luke's the perfect twin, that much is obvious. Then the fans started noticing..."

"Jai. Come here and lie down." Luke pleaded, "I don't feel too good..." Jai could never refuse Luke, especially when he said he didn't feel well, so he did as he was asked. The sad boy even fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

"What am I going to do?" Luke asked himself. His mum was absolutely in love with her boyfriend, Michael. Michael, however, had physically and emotionally abused Jai. It was to the extent that Jai no longer felt like anyone could possibly love him. Michael was on another continent, so surely it wouldn't be a problem, right?

-

Luke assumed that it wouldn't be a problem, but unfortunately for him, it was. Beau had decided that they were going to go visit their mother while Daniel was also in Australia visiting his family. Visiting their mother of course meant visiting Michael. They were scheduled to leave in exactly two weeks. Luke figured that would be more than enough time to convince Jai not to go. 

After the night Jai got high, Luke raided his room and found his stash. Jai yelled at him, claiming that he hated him, but Luke knew it was just his addiction talking. Ever since then, Jai had been perfect. He did whatever Luke asked him to and he didn't seem that depressed either.

"So I was thinking that maybe you should stay here when we go to Australia..." Luke suggested awkwardly. "After everything...I don't think it's the best thing for you right now."

"Are you serious!" Jai exclaimed, eyes widening. "I want to see mum!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't!" Luke yelled back. "She's still kind of sensitive after that hospital visit."

"You're ashamed of me aren't you?" Jai asked, but his tone suggested that he believed it to be true. "Sorry I can't be normal, Luke. I'm your twin and you're stuck with me whether you like it or not, and if you even think of forcing me to stay home then I'll be dead before you even make it to Australia!"

"Jai... No..N-" Luke started before Jai cut him off again. 

"Sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm not going to try again...I don't think I will...." Jai tried to take his confession back but it was too late. He saw the fear in Luke's eyes and ran to his room in tears.

"Why am I so stupid?" Jai whispered to himself. "Why?..."

He slipped inside his bathroom and grabbed his razor. Cutting his fingers in the process, he broke the blade out. He glanced down at the sharp edge. Did he really want to do this? 

He needed it, he decided. Jai pushed his sleeves back and started to hack away and slice at his wrists. After he was finished, he still felt empty on the inside. Usually, when he cut all of the pain would get washed away. But not this time.

Jai punched the wall repeatedly in a fit of rage until he heard a cracking sound. He let out a scream as he started to feel his wrist start to throb.

"Jai are you okay?" Beau questioned, running into his room.

"I think I might have broken my hand by punching the wall." Jai explained quickly.

"Let me see." Beau ordered, taking Jai's wrist and examining it. "It doesn't seem like it's broken. You would have really been screaming with me pulling on it like that. I'm guessing it's just sprained. Let me get a bandage and I'll be back." Beau quickly left the room and then came back with a bandage to wrap the sprain with.

"Thanks." Jai let out almost inaudibly.

"Jai I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately, but keep in mind that I'm your older brother before anything else. I know you're twenty-one, but it will always be my job to keep you safe no matter how old you are."

"Beau..." Jai didn't know what to say.

"Let me talk, Jai. I know usually I'm not serious at all, but right now I am. I love you and that's why it hurts me to see you do this to yourself." Beau gestured to Jai arms. "When you hurt yourself, you're also hurting the people around you. Just in a different way. Think about poor Lukey. He is absolutely devastated when you do this."

"No he's not. Luke's ashamed to have me as his brother." Jai muttered coldly.

"Jai, no. That's not true!"

"Yes it is! He even begged me not to go to Australia when you guys visit Mum." Jai admitted sadly. "Why'd you guys even save me if you don't want me here?"

"I'll be having a separate talk with Luke, but no one is going to Australia without you. Luke had some nerve even asking you that, but I'm sure he had a good reason. Just try to stay positive Jai, we'll get through this some way."


	12. Chapter 12

The boys were finally on their long flight to Australia. Luke and Jai fell asleep almost immediately, but that only gave Beau and Daniel a chance to talk. (A/N: I feel like Daniel is barely even in this)

"How's Jai doing?" Daniel asked his best friend out of nowhere.

"I don't really know." Beau sighed. "To be honest, not too good. He told Luke that he's still feeling suicidal, but neither of us know how to handle that."

"Then don't. Give him time and stop stressing him out so much."

"Stressing him out? What do you mean?" Beau was oblivious.

"Sorry that I'm the one saying This, but you and Luke have been absolute jerks to Jai lately. You're too focused on the way you want him to feel. Have you ever considered that maybe there's a reason he started cutting to begin with?"

"I've never really deeply considered why. I just try to make him stop, but something clearly isn't working."

"Is Jai still cutting?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah. I found him in his room with his wrists completely shredded and he even managed to sprain his wrist by punching the wall."

"The wall? Why was he punching the wall?" Daniel was confused. Jai typically wasn't an angry person. Luke would punch walls on a regular basis, but never Jai. He usually laughed things off if they bothered him. Just what was happening with him?

"Luke had apparently asked Jai not to go to Australia with us. It had turned into a huge argument that ended with Jai thinking that Luke was ashamed of him. I tried talking to Luke about it, but he refused to talk to me, so now I'm clueless about the whole thing." Beau explained before the two boys silently got lost in their thoughts. Daniel thought about the whole thing for a moment before his eyes widened in realization.

"Beau! I think Luke knows something! I think he knows why Jai started cutting!" Daniel exclaimed, causing Beau's eyes to wide as well.

"I swear when I get my hands on him!" Beau grumbled.

"No...Please, I'm sorry....No!"

Two sets of eyes turned to Jai as he seemingly lapsed into a nightmare. The broken boy turned to his other side and buried his face in Luke's shoulder, waking Luke up on the process, before settling back down into a deep slumber.

"Wha-?" Luke yawned as he woke up.

"Jai was having a nightmare." Daniel supplied. Luke looked down at his shoulder that Jai was snuggled into and decided to leave him. It was going to be a long flight and he didn't want Jai to disturb the other passengers if he started screaming in his sleep.

"Hey Luke?" Beau suddenly called out to him, "Do you know anything about why Jai started cutting?" Luke gulped. He couldn't tell Beau about what Jai had accidentally told him.

"I told you already," Luke said with fake-irritation, "Jai's just really insecure since he views me as the better twin!"

"You know what I think? I think that's a lie and that you know something!"

"Just shut-up already, Beau! You're going to wake Jai up!" Luke made up an excuse and then looked down at Jai. Jai had his eyes open with tears silently flowing down his face. "See look what you did now, Beau!" Luke gently pulled Jai further into his chest and let him cry into his shoulder. Beau's anger melted away as soon as he saw the tears. He gently reached out to touch Jai on the shoulder, but Jai flinched further into Luke before he could even try to.

"Beau. Time, remember?" Daniel whispered to his best friend, not wanting an even bigger argument to break out on the plane.


	13. Chapter 13

It was tense on the plane, so everyone was relieved to be off of it when the time finally came. Daniel parted from the Brooks brothers when he spotted his family at the airport, but that only caused things to become even more tense.

Beau's eyes lit up when he saw a familiar figure on the other side of the room. It was Michael, their Mum's long-time boyfriend. The man was almost like a father to Beau and he had a lot of respect for him. 

"Michael!" Beau called out, waving him over. Both of the twins' heads popped up in surprise. They were clearly expecting their mother to pick them up. Their reactions, however, were completely different. Luke bit his lip, still not sure if he could really believe that this man he looked up to was capable of the things that Jai had told him about. 

Jai flinched back after making eye contact with Michael and immediately let go of Luke's hand that he had previously been playing with out of boredom. He stepped behind his brothers, not wanting them to realize how much he hated this man. If his family was happy than he could put up with this much.

"Luke, Beau, how have my two favorite trouble-makers been doing!" Michael laughed heartily, giving both of them a hug before turning to Jai. "And last but not least, Jai-Jai! How's my little shy-boy?" He gave Jai a harsh clap on the back that was sure to leave a bruise.

"Careful there, Michael. Jai was only just in the hospital. We don't want him back in too soon!" Beau joked. Luke frowned. He still didn't know what to think, but on the other hand, Michael was just a little bit too rough with Jai for his liking.

"Fall down the stairs too hard, Baby Brooks?" Michael teased with a hint of malice that Luke wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't of been looking.

"No, I tried killing myself, but these two found me just seconds before it would have been too late!" Jai admitted sweetly, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Anyways, can we go now? I want to see Mum."

Michael's face had gone ghost-white before returning to its usual pallor. 'No', Luke thought, 'It was the drugs talking. Michael could have never done those things to Jai.'

What Luke didn't notice was the tiny smile that tugged at Michael's lips at the discovery. 

-

"Where's Mum?" Luke asked when they arrived back at their mother's house only he find it empty.

"She's at work, but she'll be back later tonight. She also has a big surprise for you three boys. Just go ahead and put your stuff in your old rooms and get some rest. You're probably all jet-lagged." Michael explained before walking into the kitchen to start on dinner.

"Man, I forgot how much I missed Michael!" Beau exclaimed as they walked to their old rooms. "He's just as awesome as I remember!"

They parted ways as Beau went into one room and the Twins went into the other.

"Never thought I'd miss the day we shared a room, but this definitely brings back memories." Luke let out thoughtfully.

"Yeah it does." Jai smiled. "I'll be right back I forgot one of my suitcases downstairs."

"Do what you want, I'm sleeping." Like smiled back.

Jai chuckled at his brother and went back out to the main room to grab his suitcase. At least, that was what he planned on doing. When he got there, he found Michael playing with the handle of the suitcase, almost as if he had been waiting for him.

"Forget something, retard?" Michael asked in a sickly sweet voice.

"I just came down for my suitcase." Jai stated, trying not to show his inner fear.

"Just for the suitcase. Doesn't my favorite son want to catch up?"

"You are not my father!" Jai yelled angrily.

"I'm the closest thing you have to one, though. Besides that, I can't believe my lessons paid off so well. You really tried to kill yourself? Is that some sort of joke?"

Jai chose to ignore Michael. He was baiting him for some sort of response that Jai just couldn't afford to give him.

"Ignoring me, huh? I don't really care! I still won. You're suicidal." Michael laughed. "Next thing you know, you're going to tell me you cut yourself!"

Jai looked down with shame.

"Oh my-" Michael sputtered. "This is gold! You're even more of a failure than I imagined! Show me your wrists, Jaidon. I want to see this comedy for myself!" Without waiting, Michael reached over and yanked Jai's sleeves up his arm before laughing even more at the sight of it. "Here take your suitcase, we can really catch up later."


	14. Chapter 14

When their mother finally returned home from work that evening, Jai was the first to throw himself into her arms.

"Mum! I...what's that?!" Jai was shocked. On his mother's hand was a huge diamond ring that could only mean one thing.

"Jai I think you need to sit down." Beau suggested.

"Did you know about this?" Jai demanded. Luke was too stunned to speak, so he was obviously just as clueless as Jai was. Beau, on the other hand, didn't seem surprised at all.

"My little Jai-Jai." Gina cooed. "This was the surprise Michael was telling you about! He proposed, finally! Isn't that exciting?" Jai backed away from his mother, shaking his head as tears started to form in his eyes. His mother couldn't marry this monster. She just couldn't. Jai fell into a panic as he started to think about having Michael as his step-father. It just couldn't happen. Then, there was Luke. Why wasn't he reacting? Why did Beau keep this a secret? 

Jai pushed away from his mother and backed towards the door. His breathing started to get faster and he couldn't take it anymore so he ran out the door, completely ignoring the cries of "come back, Jai!" From his family. He just knew he needed to get out.

-

Jai wasn't the only one having a panic attack. Luke was an absolute mess, but he could only wait for his younger twin's return. Gina tried her best to comfort Luke, but he just couldn't calm down when Jai was off who-knows-where!

-

Several hours later, Jai finally came back. There was just something off about him. Lue had no idea what.

"Jai you're back!" Luke was about to run to hug Jai, but stopped himself when Jai held up the object he had concealed behind his back. It was shiny and black and even in the darkness, Luke could tell what it was.

"Get Mum, please!" Jai's voice was distant, almost like Jai didn't know what he was really doing.

"Mum!" Luke shouted, running into the kitchen to where his mum had been washing the dishes. "Jai's back. You have to come now!" Luke ordered, grabbing Gina's arm and dragging her out of the room.

"What's going on?" Michael questioned before following the frantic boy out of the room.

Gina was shocked to say the least, when she saw her youngest son with a gun pressed up against his temple.

"Jai, no! Please, don't do this! Don't do this to me again!" Gina was frantic. It seemed like her baby had only just gotten out of the hospital and now here he was again close to ending his life.

"Mum, you can't marry him! You just can't!" Jai was desperate. Gina could see the clear desperation in her son's eyes, so she made A decision.

"Michael, I think it would be best if you just left for now. Please, I'll call you later." Gina promised her fiancée. Michael slowly nodded his head, but made sure to glare at Jai on his way out.

"Jaidon. Come on, we can discuss this." Gina tried again. "Michael is gone now, so put the gun down and we can talk it out." By this point, Beau had also came into the room to see what was going on. Jai made eye contact with him, nodded, and brought the gun away from his head. Luke was immediately in Jai's arms crying into his shoulder. He quickly grabbed the gun from his twin's hand and slung it across the room, not even looking to see where it landed.

"You can't marry him, mum. You can't." Jai repeated once again.

"You keep saying that Jai, but why don't you want me to marry him?!" Gina snapped, frustrated with her son's behavior.

"Because I absolutely hate him, and I would rather die then see you marry him!" Jai snapped back. Luke felt guilt eat away at him for not taking Jai's accidental confession more seriously.

"Jai!" Gina was outraged. "Exactly how selfish can you be?!"

"Mum stop!" Luke yelled as Jai's eyes became downcast.

"I will not stop! That man has treated you like his own children for a good majority of your lives! Yet, you hate him? After all he's done for you!"

"Do all father's emotionally and physically abuse their children?" Luke asked, causing three heads to snap in his direction.

"What are you talking about, Luke?" Gina asked carefully. 

"He doesn't know what he's talking about, Mum. I'm selfish. Sorry. You can- you can just marry him. I'll keep my mouth shut." Jai deflected Luke's question.

"I'm kind of wondering what Luke's talking about, too." Beau interjected.

"Jai got high off drugs and he didn't actually know it was me he was talking to, but he told me about how Michael would constantly beat him and tell him how worthless he was growing up. Michael is what caused Jai to start cutting!"

"LUKE!" Jai yelled, feeling like his world had shattered. No one was ever supposed to find out about that.

"Is this true Jai?" Gina asked, voice tight.

"No, mum. It's not true at all. I'm sorry for being selfish."

"So it is true then." Gina answered for herself. "Oh my-" she started to  cry.

"Mum, I'm sorry!" Jai shouted. He never meant to make his mother cry.

"No, don't be sorry, Jai. It's my fault, for not noticing." Jai embraced his mother and they both cried together, but Jai still couldn't help but to feel guilty. He just ruined his mother's happiness. She had given up so much for him, yet he couldn't be happy for her when she was marrying someone she loved.


	15. Chapter 15

"Luke, I want to go home." Jai cried to his older twin later that night. Luke was stunned, Jai had been the one to insist on going to Australia to start with.

"You know we can't do that, Jai. We only just got here. What would mum think if we just suddenly left. She already blames herself for Michael?"

"She could have been happy with him, couldn't she?" Jai asked, ignoring Luke's logic.

"Maybe. You would've never felt safe coming home ever again, though." Luke tried reasoning with Jai.

"Yeah, but I'm not worried about my happiness. You should have never said anything to her about it." Jai cried out angrily.

"Jai, he hurt you for years. That isn't exactly easy for the rest of us to take in. I know Beau and I always looked up to him as a father. Mum was in love with him. Just, I don't know, go to sleep. Maybe it will be better in the morning." Luke snapped, overtired and annoyed that his Twin was bothering his sleep.

Jai sighed. He knew that he couldn't really trust Luke. He needed to cut, but he didn't exactly have easy access to anything sharp at the moment. 

Jai stood up and retrieved a rubber band out of his suitcase and then slipped quietly out of the room. He slowly made his way past his mother's room, but stopped short when he heard muffled sobs coming from within.

Jai pressed his ear to the door and what he thought was happening really was. His mother was crying and it was all his fault. If only he had just went along with everything and let his mother get married without putting up a fight. He could have dealt with it. He had shattered his mother's happiness and now he didn't know what to do.

He quickly left the house to sit on the front porch. Once he was there he started snapping the rubber band as hard as he could on his wrist without breaking it. After the a while a welt started to form on his wrist from where he was snapping it so much, but he couldn't stop there. The skin eventually started to discolor and form a bruise under the rubber band.  
-,  
Luke woke up the next morning to find himself alone in his room. That was weird. Jai never woke up before him. Luke left the room in search of his twin. He had to be somewhere. He just had to find him. 

Luke didn't have to search long. He eventually found Jai on the porch swing outside. Jai was obviously zoned out, lost deeply in his thoughts. He was just swinging back and forth and rubbing his wrist occasionally.

Wait....

Rubbing his wrist?  
.  
Luke hurriedly rushed towards him and yanked his twin's wrist into view causing Jai to cry out in protest. Luke heaved a sigh of relief but was still worried. Jai hadn't cut like he had assumed, but there was some pretty deep welts and discoloration on his wrist. It was obvious that Jai had been snapping a rubber band on his wrist which meant he wanted to cut.

"Jai?" Luke questioned, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Jai nodded after a moment of hesitation. "I'm perfectly fine, Luke." Luke narrowed his eyes at his twin. He obviously was not okay. His wrist only proved it further.

"Jai. If you're not okay you need to let me know. I'm here for you. Let Me In so we don't have a repeat of last time." Luke begged. 

"Well, have you ever thought that maybe I want a repeat of last time. Maybe one that actually worked!" Jai snapped. Luke's eyes went wide and Jai regretted it instantly. Luke had it coming though, he was always hovering and it became too much for Jai, so he just snapped.

"Jai..." Luke swallowed thickly. "You don't really mean that do you?" He felt like his heart had just shattered at Jai's words. He never wanted to hear those words.

"I don't know." Jai glanced away from Luke. "Maybe. It is kind of hard to forget about it when someone is throwing it in my face constantly."

"You want to forget?" Luke didn't know why that made his so angry but it did. "Do it then. Go ahead. Go and off yourself because who cares how we feel. You know your family? Mum doesn't matter anyway, she just made so many sacrifices growing up to make sure we had a good life." 

"Luke..." Jai whispered but he didn't stop.

"Let's not forget Beau. He was only a perfect older brother. Sure he was a total jerk, but he made sure nothing bad ever happened to us."

"I-" Jai started but Luke only cut him off.

"What about me, you know your twin brother? What about how I feel? You basically force me to deal with all of your crap on a regular basis, but then you're so selfish that you don't even bother to care about my feelings when your actions do affect me!" Luke was breathing heavily by the time he was done yelling. Jai had tears running down his face, but Luke was too angry to even care.

"Luke, I...." Jai started but couldn't force any words out of his throat. Luke, still being angry, took over for him.

"You're pathetic, Jai." Luke spat out, tears streaming out of his own eyes. He quickly left the room before the argument could escalate any further, but the damage had already been done.

If Jai wasn't broken before, he definitely was now.


	16. Chapter 16

Jai was broken.

What Luke had has said had really gotten to him. After all, Luke was right. He only thought about himself. He was so focused on numbing his own feelings that he lost sight of everything else. Jai didn't know what to do anymore. It was almost like he was drowning and couldn't get out. To make it worse he had made Luke angry with him. His biggest ally. He didn't even know why he had actually started to try to get better at this point. It was pointless. He was never going to get better especially now that his own twin hated him.

Jai was falling and this time Luke wasn't there to catch him. He didn't know where Luke had gone, but at this point he didn't really care. He just wanted to go. He hurriedly made his way into his mother's bathroom and opened the cabinet inside. She had different pills that had been prescribed in the past, but she no longer needed them. He didn't know what was what, so he just grabbed a random bottle. 

"Jai?" He heard a voice and a knock sound from outside the door so he quickly pocketed the pills. He had to wait for a moment when he couldn't be found. He couldn't waste his chance again.

"Yes?" He said back, opening the door. Jai was met with the face of his concerned mother. Her eyes were swollen from all of the crying she had done, and it caused Jai's heart to wrench. It was his fault this had happened. 

"Are you okay, baby?" His mother asked him. He looked down. He knew that he needed to throw her off some way.

"Yeah. I just had a fight with Luke. Don't worry, it's an everyday thing."

"Are you sure?" Gina questioned her youngest son.

"Yeah. You know how bad Luke's temper can be." Jai gave her a grim smile.

"Well, if you say so." Gina gave in. Jai smiled at his mother but it didn't reach his eyes. He rushed out of the bathroom and into the room he shared with Luke before she could say anything else.

Jai was immediately met with Luke sitting on his bed and playing on his phone. The bottle of pills in his pocket suddenly felt heavy, but his heart felt even heavier when he remembered the things that Luke had said to him. Luke glanced up at him and bit his lip, but didn't say anything. It was official, Luke absolutely hated him and Jai couldn't blame him. Jai tugged on his hair stressfully. He was going crazy and he didn't know what to do. 

"What are you even doing?" Luke asked skeptically. He was just watching what looked like Jai attempting to yank his own hair out.

"Like you even care." Jai shot back with venom. He didn't want to push Luke away, but he needed to and Luke already hated him anyways.

"Calm down, dude. I was just asking you don't-"

"Just shut up, Luke!" Jai cut his twin off. Jai flopped down on his bed not realizing that doing so would cause the pills in his pocket to rattle. Luke flinched at the sound, immediately realizing what it was.

"Jai, what's in your pocket?" Luke asked slowly, trying to suppress his anger. 

"Nothing." Jai stared at him with a straight face.

"Sure." Luke nodded before tackling Jai and knocking the pills out of his pocket. He picked the bottle up and examined it while tears started to slowly fall from Jai's eyes. "What exactly were you planning to do with these?" 

"Probably off myself like every one wants." Jai said without hesitation. He was just so tired of everything and he just wanted to get it over with.

"Jai. We don't want you dead. Don't you even care about how we feel?" Luke started to go into a mini-rant.

"Well, don't you care about how I feel?" Jai countered. "I don't want to be alive, Luke. I don't care if it is selfish, but I just want to be dead right now. Why won't you let me? I'm miserable and I feel like a piece of me has already died, so why can't I just kill the rest of me? Please, Luke!"

"You can't mean that." Luke stared at his twin in disbelief. "You can't leave me Jai. It's supposed to be Luke and Jai forever. Whatever happened to that? You only ever shut me out anymore and I don't know what to do anymore."

"Then don't just give the bottle back and leave the room." Jai encouraged his twin.

"Don't do this Jai!" Luke screamed, surprising Jai. "You can't do this to me. You can't." 

"Luke-"

"No!" Luke started crying. "I will not let you do this. I don't care if I have to be with you 24/7, but you are not going to kill yourself on my watch."

"But!" Jai started to protest before being cut off again by Luke.

"No, Jai. It's not happening. If you felt smothered before, then get ready to learn what smothering really is."


	17. Chapter 17

Jai wanted to die more than ever now. Luke would not leave him alone and it was driving him crazy. They were back in the United States now, but he still has not let up. The hovering had resulted in numerous fights, but Luke was still going strong.

"Luke will you please back off already?" Jai groaned. He was currently arguing with Luke about how Luke refused to let him be by himself. Luke wouldn't have it, though. He had stopped Jai from attempting suicide while they were visiting their mother. He couldn't just pretend like it never happened.

"I just want you to be okay." Luke mumbled, knowing that he shouldn't yell at Jai when he got like this. Jai was seeing red. Luke could not decided whether he lived or died. That was his decision.

"Well, I just want to be dead!" Jai yelled. "That's all I want. Why can't you just let me be happy?"

"Jai...." Luke didn't know what to say to that. It crushed him knowing that his twin brother didn't want to be alive anymore.

"Did I just hear what I thought I just heard?" Beau asked coming into the room. "Because it sounded Like Jai said he wanted to die..."

"That's exactly what I said!" Jai shouted. "And I would be if Luke would just leave me alone."

"I'm glad o took those pills from you in Australia. I know you're sad right now, but I know you really don't want to die. That's just what you think you want." Luke spoke calmly. Jai looked over at his older twin before running to his room in tears.

"What's this about pills?" Beau asked Luke. He was extremely confused. He must have missed something because he had no idea what was happening.

"Jai stole a bottle of pills from Mum and was planning on taking them but I found them before he could." Luke explained before he hurried after Jai.

Beau didn't know what to think. His baby brother was fighting a downhill battle and losing fast. He didn't know what to do anymore. Jai was becoming more withdrawn by the day and Luke was practically killing himself trying to make sure Jai didn't do anything. He knew he wasn't always the best older brother but he tried. He also hadn't taken Jai's problems seriously when he should have.

There was a time when Jai would run to his oldest brother and tell him everything. Beau missed those days. At least then he always knew what was going through Jai's head. Now, he honestly had no clue. He just knew that Jai had given up and the only way to fix that was to convince Jai that he needed to start fighting again. Honestly, Beau had no idea how to do that.

Beau decided that it was time to man up, because his little brothers needed him. Despite growing up without a father, Luke and Jai had always been okay. Once Michael entered their lives things had seemed better than ever, but then one day Jai had started to become withdrawn. That was Beau's first mistake. Instead of trying to see what was wrong with his youngest brother, he had basked in all of the attention, he had received from the man that was slowly becoming a father-figure to him.

He regretted it now. Especially after finding out what kind of monster that man truly was. There was nothing he could do to change that now, but Beau knew he couldn't be that ignorant anymore. His brothers needed him, and this time he was going to be there for them. Both of them.

He made his way to Jai's room and nudged the door open. Jai was sobbing into his hands while Luke looked close to tears as well. Beau knew he needed to fix this mess as soon as possible.

"Hey, boys. I think we all need to talk." Beau announced. The twins both looked up at him in sync. It kind of creeped him out sometimes how they managed to do that kind of stuff, but he chose to ignore it this time.

"Because talking makes everything better." Jai mumbled sarcastically, causing Luke to hit him.

"Anyways," Beau cleared his throat. "I'll get straight to it. Why do you want to die so bad, Jai?"

"Beau!" Luke yelled, his anger getting the best of him. "You can't ask something like that!"

"Why not?" Jai chuckled darkly from beside him. "Do you think I'm going to break from a silly little question? Well newsflash, Luke, I'm already broken." The intensity of his anger matched Luke's, and Beau knew that was not good at all. He almost regretted asking the question, but he knew it had to be done.

"You want to answer me, Jai?" Beau urged while Luke pouted.

"You really want to know?" Jai asked. "I'm the reason Mum's heart is broken. I heard her crying and it was all my fault. On top of that, I'm practically ruining your lives. You two had perfect lives until someone had to get into other people's business and discover that I slice my wrists open on a regular basis. Just let me go. I just want to stop ruining things for you guys." Luke had tears dripping down his face by the end of Jai's explanation. He stood up and harshly slapped Jai across the face before tackling him in a hug.

"You didn't ruin our lives, Jai. You could never." Luke cried. "If anything we are the ones who ruined your life. We should have noticed what was happening. I would do anything to take that pain away from you. If I had only known what Michael was doing..." 

"What Lukey is trying to say is, we don't want a life without you in it. I'm pretty sure Luke would die without you. As for Mum...Do you really think she would truly want to marry someone who abused her baby for years? No, she was crying because she had no idea that had even happened underneath her own roof. I know, because she told me before we left. Just...I don't know...try to get better, Jai. Our lives would be destroyed if you weren't here."

"I-I....can I just be alone for awhile? I really need time to think." Jai asked quietly. Beau smiled at his baby brother and dragged a reluctant Luke out of the room. Jai needed both time and support. This time, he would make sure Jai had plenty of both things. His little brother would get better. He just had to be there this time.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Here's another chapter. Be sure to comment and leave kudos. It would be really helpful to me as a writer instead of me just blindly writing and hoping you guys like it.

"Luke, Beau?" Jai called out to his brothers a couple hours later. He eventually found them in Luke's room. "I made a decision."

"What-what was it?" Luke asked anxiously.

"I decided that even though I still want to die, I want to try to get past that and get better." Jai explained.

"I'm happy for you, Jai. If you need me, I'll be downstairs. I think you two need a little time to talk." Beau gushed out before walking out of the room. Jai stood there awkwardly for a minute before sitting next to Luke on his bed.

"I'm sorry, Luke." He breathed out. 

"Don't be." Luke sighed. "I haven't been exactly patient with you lately. I'm sorry, too."

"How do I get better, Luke?" Jai asked, looking at his older twin. "I've been like this for so long that I don't know what else to do."

"Well..." Luke thought it over. "We could take baby steps. How about you stop lying to me and you could also work on not cutting."

"The thought of not cutting terrifies me." Jai admitted after a moment. "I need it Luke. Sometimes, it's like cutting is the only thing that does stop me from killing myself." 

"Ok." Luke flinched at Jai's words, but them recomposed himself. "We could try to find an alternative."

"Luke. No." Jai closed his eyes. "One step at a time. I'll just work on talking to you about things from now on."

"Can I see your arms?" Luke asked out of nowhere. Jai was hesitant about it, but he agreed for Luke to look at his scars. Jai sat up and pulled his hoodie off so he was only left in a thin T-Shirt. Luke carefully grasped both of Jai's arms and turned them over. Jai couldn't bare to watch it happen, so he turned his head away as a tear slipped out of his eye. "It's okay Jai."

"I know."

Luke carefully traced the deep scars from Jai's first attempt with his index finger. They were from a time Jai needed him, but he just wasn't there from him. He ran his finger tips along Jai's arms and inspected the other scars.

"I thought you had more scars last time I saw them." Luke was genuinely confused.

"I did." Jai nodded. "I just never really cut that deep so the scars faded faster than the big ones will."

"Oh." Luke nodded back in understanding.

"I hate this. We've never been this awkward around each other." Jai groaned.

"Me too." Luke agreed. "I think we'll be okay, though. We'll just take it one step at a time. You'll get better and everything is going to be okay again."

-

That's exactly what happened. Jai and Luke were okay again, but they still had their setbacks. Jai eventually was able to stop cutting, the more he opened up to Luke. However, Luke still felt like Jai was hiding something from him. He just didn't know what that something was.

Luke didn't want to push Jai anymore, considering how well that went last time. Still, he knew there was something that just wasn't adding up.

"Beau?" Luke asked his older brother one day. "Do you think there's something off about Jai?"

"No. He seems happy, which I haven't seen in a long time." Beau answered, confused by Luke's question.

"No. He is happier than he has been. It's just there's still something that seems kind of off about him." Luke was desperate for answers.

"I'm sure you're just over-thinking things, Luke." Beau sighed. "Jai's not going to ever be the same person he was. He's been depressed for who knows how long. At least several years. Just keep supporting him and get to know this new Jai."

"I guess that makes sense." 

What neither brother understood though, was that Jai was still broken. He wasn't even close to being whole again. He was still broken, but he was slowly starting to heal. Of course, the flashbacks still haunted him but nobody knew about those. So it's safe to say that when Jai stopped sleeping, nobody noticed. 

The nightmares were just too intense for him, and he slowly stopped functioning again. Unfortunately, he didn't seem depressed anymore so nobody thought anything of it until he started getting short and snippy with everyone around him.

"What's your problem, Jai." Luke asked frustrated one day. "You've been such a jerk lately and everyone is sick of your drama."

"I'm being a jerk?!" Jai just wanted to sleep. That's all he really wanted. "Go look in a mirror."

"No need to! Your ugly face is good enough!" Luke yelled back, outraged. He also managed to catch the attention of Beau and Daniel.

"What exactly is going on?" Beau demanded as Daniel tried to contain his laughter.

"He started it." The twins yelled in sync. "Tell him to quit being such a dirty pig."

"Oh my god." Beau moaned and Daniel was full on laughing now. "You do realize you're just insulting yourselves, right?"

"No we aren't!" Luke yelled.

"In case you haven't realized, calling your identical twin ugly kind of back-fires on you, Luke." Beau stated.

"This is stupid." Jai growled before leaving the room.

"What's his deal?" Beau asked Luke as he watched Jai's retreating figure. 

"No idea. He just been a huge jerk lately."


	19. Chapter 19

Jai tried to get rid of his bad thoughts. He really did. After his fight with Luke, he just couldn't fight them anymore. They had both said some pretty hurtful things to each other, but unlike Luke, Jai wasn't able to brush it off as simply another fight.

That was also how Jai found himself in his bathroom with blood dripping down his wrists again after months of being clean. He was ashamed of himself for being so weak, but he just didn't have the energy or willpower to fight it anymore. He didn't regret it.

After months of being clean, Jai didn't realize how much he really missed the release cutting gave him. It gave him relief when things got to be too much. What's more is that when no one came to check on him after the fight, he started back from square one. Shutting everyone out and finding relief in his blade. He could always trust it when he couldn't trust anyone else. So, he let himself fall back into his old habits and nobody noticed.

If Jai was more irritable than he remembered, then they just summed it up to him being the new Jai. If he was quieter, it was the new Jai. No one realized that he was still depressed and falling deeper down that hole each and every day.  
-  
It was summer now, which meant the days were getting hotter and hotter. His brothers and Daniel decided that it would be nice to go to the beach. Jai, however, had a different opinion. His arms were littered with fresh cuts that his brothers knew nothing about.

"I'll pass." Jai quickly turned down the invitation to go with them. It just served to make Luke angry. He was already sick of this new Jai that had taken over his twin's body.

"Of course you will!" Luke snarled. "Why waste your brilliant time on the likes of us!? I'm seriously getting sick of your attitude, Jai." Jai looked down before running up to his room and slamming the door. He quickly locked it behind him, knowing what could happen from past experiences.

He could faintly make out the sound of Luke complaining angrily and Beau trying to calm him down, before he heard the door slam shut and Beau's car start. They left him that easily. He wasn't really concerned about Luke yelling at him, that was a daily occurrence anymore.

Jai felt tears start to form on his eyes. He couldn't be weak again. Michael may have ruined his life, but he couldn't control it anymore. His mother had reported him to the police. Although, nothing happened to Michael, he was out of his mother's life. Speaking of Gina, she no longer spoke much to him. She just looked at him with sad eyes every time they visited. She absolutely gushed over Luke and Beau, but never him anymore.

Jai stood up. Now that everyone was gone, he could cut in peace. He wouldn't attempt suicide again. He was determined to keep the promise he made of staying alive. He walked into his bathroom after retrieving a blade he taped to the wall behind his Elvis poster. 

He stared at his wrists. They looked worse than they ever had before. He screamed out in frustration. He hated himself. He truly hated himself. He could never be strong like Luke. Jai knew for a fact that Luke would have never been this weak.

He sliced the blade over his wrists repeatedly, watching entranced as the blood flowed out. He kept going until he collapsed in his sobs. He was just so weak, and now his wrists were bloody to prove it. 

Jai stood up and cleaned and bandaged his wrists. He felt numb. Like nothing could fix this now. His life was over, but he couldn't end it because of a stupid promise he made to his brothers.

Jai was starting to regret that promise now. He was constantly hurting his brothers and making them angry. He honestly was trying to, he just couldn't help it anymore. After his first suicide attempt, it felt like a piece of him did die. He didn't know if he would ever get that piece back.

He realized that it was probably hard on Luke, but he didn't know what to do anymore. Luke used to be the closest person to him, but now they could barely even hold a conversation without one of them storming out of the room in rage.

Jai was wallowing in his misery at this point, so he didn't even realize when Luke stormed back into the house until he heard Luke's heated yelling.

"Stupid Beau! Stupid Daniel! Stupid Jai!" He screamed through the house, causing Jai to throw a bunch of bracelets on and leave his room in worry.

"Whoa! What's wrong Luke?" Jai asked, following his brother through the house. Luke rounded on him and raised his fist like he wanted to punch him, but then slowly lowered it.

"What's wrong? You all are idiots!" Luke yelled. Now Jai knew for sure. Beau and Daniel had done something to Luke at the beach.

"What did they do now?"

"They wouldn't stop trying to drown me. Then Beau decided to pull my trunks down in front of everyone." Luke steamed. Jai had to hold in a laugh.

"You want to paint his car, then?" He asked his twin. Luke turned to look at Jai with a raided eyebrow. They had pulled a lot of pranks on Beau's car, but they had never gone that far. 

"Well, I did happen to steal it and drive it home..." Luke trailed off. 

"Barbie pink and purple flowers sound good?" Jai suggested evilly.

"Definitely and we could write the theme song on the back!" Luke cackled. Sometimes, he loved being a twin.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lat chapter!

Luke and Jai hurriedly went out to buy the paint they needed for the masterpiece they had in mind. When they got back they got to work. They painted the car a really pretty shade of Barbie pink that they knew Beau would just love.

"What if instead of flowers, we draw cats all over it." Luke suggested. Jai smirked at his twin. It would be perfect. They quickly started to draw cats everywhere. Pretty soon, they were ready for the final phase of their plan. Jai, got a small paint brush and dipped it in black paint. On the back of Beau's car he wrote, "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world...".

"Done.....and its beautiful." Jai took a step back admiring their work.

"I totally agree." Luke chuckled. He hadn't only enjoyed the fact that he was getting revenge on Beau. He was also happy to be spending time with his twin. He didn't remember the last time that him and Jai had spent time like this together. They hadn't done something like this in awhile now.

"Now we wait..."  
-  
"What did you do to my car? You dogs!" Beau screamed. He had come home after a long walk to find his car with a total makeover. He immediately stormed up to Luke's room to find Luke and Jai smiling at him innocently.

"Serves you right." Luke mumbled. 

"Are you serious?!" Beau was beyond angry. "Don't you think that's taking it a bit too far?"

"Nope?" Jai popped the 'p'. Beau glared at his youngest brother angrily.

"Why are you even involved Jai. I have been nothing but kind to you since we found you slicing your wrists open on a regular basis!"

"Beau!" Luke screamed while Jai ran out of the room. Beau deflated. He couldn't believe he had really said that.

"I didn't mean that." Beau whispered. Luke scoffed at him then ran after his twin. Jai had looked really upset when he had ran away.

"Jai!" Luke called, pounding on his twin's door. "Open up!"

"No, Luke! Go away!" Jai cried. Luke was about to pull his hair out in frustration. An idea suddenly dawned on him. He put his hand on the door knob and opened the door. Jai had forgotten to lock it.

"Jai!" Luke gasped at what he saw. Jai was sitting on his bed with a bleeding wrist. Jai had relapsed and he never noticed. "How long?"

"A few months." Jai answered. A few months! "It's not a big deal, Luke."

"Yes it is! You're hurting and I didn't notice." Luke cried. "This time I'm going to be here for you, got that?" Jai smiled the first real smile he'd had in a long time before breaking out into laughter.

"Yeah Luke. I understand perfectly. Thanks for not giving up on me."

He would be okay. 

Jai sighed. The world didn't seem so pointless after all. As long as he had Luke by his side then he would be okay. It would be a long road to recovery, but this time he could do it. This time he couldn't give up on himself, since there was someone refusing to give up on him.


End file.
